Hey, Guys, We Wrote You a Sex Manual!
Five women get together to lay down some basic laws for men.

If you were to write a sex manual for men, what would you put in it? To answer that question, contributing writer Cynthia True gathered four friends--actresses Beth Littleford (Boston Public) and Janel Moloney (The West Wing), comedian Amy Poehler (Saturday Night Live) and author Moon Unit Zappa (America the Beautiful)--in a Los Angeles hotel suite for a sex think tank. Together, they may not have created the ultimate, one-size-fits-all sex guide, but this is, without a doubt, a very instructive start.
Cynthia True: OK, you all know our mission: What guidelines would you put in a sex manual for men?
Moon Unit Zappa: I would definitely tell them they won't even get to the bedroom unless they start sexing me up earlier in the day in the form of listening to me, being nice to me, sharing with me their views on injustices in the world.
Beth Littleford: My first rule: Just because it worked on her doesn't mean it'll work on me.
CT: Very true.
BL: Old dog needs to learn new trick. And I'm not saying at the beginning; I'm just saying eventually.
Janel Moloney: How long is eventually?
BL: Well, let's see, how long have I been with my husband? Five years? Just kidding, it didn't take him that long. Bless him, he's willing to learn. He knows my rhythm and I know his.
MZ: What do you mean by "rhythm"?
BL: Haven't you noticed that some guys come from a very specific rhythm/pace? I think for women too there are ways--well, I've learned there are certain easy ways for me to come during sex. Guys need to be in tune with what's going to get you off.
MZ: Slow, slow, fast, fast, jerky, jerky, go!
Amy Poehler: The easiest way for me to come is just to talk about the injustices of the world.
BL: Oh, and just because his orgasm is over in three strokes doesn't mean mine is, so when I start making the noise, he needs to keep consistent with his pacing until I'm completely quiet. Completely.
AP: How about this for a sex tip: If I'm asleep, it means I'm done.
CT: My best experiences have generally been with men who were in long relationships before me. I always say a silent thank-you to the woman who trained him before he got to me.
MZ: I fear I'm that woman.
CT: Of course, I always want to hear if he thinks I'm any good.
MZ: Yes! I got into my relationship [two and a half years ago] thinking I kicked ass in bed. I'm not hearing enough feedback that I still kick ass.
AP: That's a good thing for the manual too. During sex he should say, "You're kicking ass."
JM: Here's a basic rule: Guys, the first time we sleep together, don't just assume it's OK to get up and go home.
AP: But there's no better relief than when you want him to go home and he does.
CT: If he does sleep over, I have a suggestion: Please do not wake me up for sex.
MZ: I'm working when I'm sleeping.
JM: It's all timing. Whether it's sex or anything in a relationship, it's timing, sensitivity and using your common sense. You know what I mean? If I have to go to work at four the next morning and I've been preparing for something for five days and I'm asleep--no, that's probably not the best time to wake me up. If we're on vacation and it's Saturday morning and it's 11 o'clock and I'm still asleep--baby, wake me up! I think it's kind of sexy.
MZ: Now, are we, by creating this manual, helping men to manipulate us more? I just want to know that.
BL: Only in a good way. And that leads me to my next piece of advice: Approach the clitoris gently, like you'd approach a wild animal. Be Dian Fossey about it. Befriend the clitoris. Get to know it. Clitoris in the Mist. Understand that poking at it will only annoy it. It's better to speak to it with your fingers.
AP: My clitoris knows sign language.
BL: A general pressure is good. Like waxing a car, not with one poky, poky finger.
AP: Oh, another thing: You don't have to go at it forever. In fact, I'd title my sex manual for men Please Come. Guys think it's important to have these marathon sessions, and it's so wrong.
BL: Yeah, I've got errands to run. I mean, if I want to try multiple orgasms, I'll say, "Keep going, I want to try multiple orgasms."
CT: I wonder where they get that thing about going all night. Is it pornography?
MZ: I think it comes from Sting. I blame Sting. His tantric-sex bullshit.
JM: I've always thought more time was good! I think it's important to pay attention to the whole body--the front, the back, the top.
AP: But there's also nothing more annoying than the Oversensitive Lover.
JM: I'm not saying it has to be a five-hour extravaganza with flavored oils! Oh, and how about this: Gentlemen, no matter what you do, never, ever talk baby talk to me.
AP: I think a good rule in general is to watch your vocabulary. Know your audience. I really like talking during sex, but choose your words carefully. Never say, "Nice buns." Don't say, "I'm on top of the world, Ma!" or "You have great boobies."
CT: Yeah, "boobies" is dangerously close to baby talk.
MZ: I think "boobies" is hilarious. I want hilarious in bed.
AP: Be able to laugh if something goes awry.
BL: I have another good one: Men, tell me what you love about my body. My husband is great about this. He makes me feel like I'm too sexy for my panties.
CT: Yes, tell me I'm pretty. Being stark naked, you don't necessarily feel that incredible.
BL: But never comment on other women's bodies--unless it's to agree with me that that girl's boobs are fake.
MZ: Yes! Bold and highlight that one.
AP: Here's another thing, men. Don't answer dangerous questions, like, "Which one of my friends do you think is attractive?" "If you were on a desert island, who would you--?" Never answer those.
JM: I dated a guy who told me his ex-girlfriend had the most intensely developed sexuality he'd ever known. He was so obviously still obsessed with her.
AP: Hey, that's good: Don't have sex with me if you're in love with somebody else.
CT: Especially if that "somebody else" is your wife.
AP: Or your mother.
BL: I want to touch on postcoital rules.
AP: I don't like excessive postcoital celebration. What do they call it in football after you make a touchdown? Follow NFL rules and don't spike the ball in the end zone.
BL: Yeah, don't be overly smug.
MZ: Wow, I'm the opposite. I want a celebration. Life is too sad. I love a good recap.
CT: Speaking of recaps, let's wrap up with a few simple etiquette pointers.
BL: Here's one: Don't come home drunk and ask for sex.
CT: And please don't jump up and take a shower 10 minutes after we're done.
MZ: Wear me. And enjoy it.
AP: Get the dogs out of the room. Seriously.
JM: Turn off the TV.
BL: And rule number one: Aim to please.
AP: Yeah. Just do every single thing I want you to do and everything will be fine!
MZ: That seems fair to me.